For the Love of Everthing

Far away

What is it with going away that makes it so bad? I’ve been thinking about it for a while because for the first few weeks I haven’t experinced any homesickness yet. Now I have. Now I get it.

Going away is also a state of loss - not of time spent, but of time you could have spent with poeple in your life. In a sense, you’ve lost them. All the could-have-been’s and the may-never-be-again’s. The laughter, tears and special moments together that may not happen again for a very long time or never. It gets to you. That’s why you break. Company is of vast importance to us humans. We are after all social animals. And so you go through each process of D-A-B-D-A. Denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. Before I got here, I already got past the first three. I’m waiting for the fourth to set in so I can finally move on to the last… inshaallah…


Remembering you…

I cannot begin to say
Since words are all but silly
Yet in these little rhymes I find
A way to make things easy.

It may have been so long ago
Yet here I am again
In this constant situation
Where all my tears began.

Goodbye has been so easily said
It seems you never cared
So in my mind some questions raised
But I could never dare.

The what if’s and the maybe’s
They Never go away.
What if we were still here right now
And maybe if I stayed.

There are words no longer uttered
But feelings stay the same
And distance may be helpful
But memories remain.

So I hope that somewhere out there
You are smiling at the stars
Lying below the heavens
Inside of your parked car.

Goodbyes are said a million times
But none of them suffice
And yet again I linger on
How much “hello” could be so nice.


Here I go again rambling on and on about my never ending woes and misfortunes… I thought this year end would be my lucky break from all the unfortunate events of my life. I thought wrong, again. What is it with me?

I want to bury all the anger. Yes, I’m angry. I’m angry at things I cannot change and have no control of. I’m angry at the people who see things so differently than me. I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I just wanna scream at everything. How can others be so lucky that everything in their lives simply and without sweat fit together in such perfect harmony it seems so easy?

It’s depressing to think that I am actually getting used to this, extremely more to think that it has become the norm of my life. You are given one spec of happiness in a universe of chaos; yet, you just lose it so easily with one blink of an eye and it is as if the spec never existed. Its significance lost in that dark abyss. It is such silent torment. I want life’s tyranny to end. But I cannot even hold on to it. It’s intangibility is maddening. I’ve got to take a hold of myself. Aghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Breathe… Breathe… Breathe…


HOWARDS SONG TO BERNADETTE… so sweet

If I didn’t have you, life would be blue
I’d be Doctor Who without the TARDIS
A candle without a wick, a Watson without a Crick
I’d be one of my outfits without a dick-ey

I’d be cheese without the mac,
Steve Jobs without the Wozniak
I’d be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator, making it much harder to crack

I’d be an atom without a bomb, a dot without the com
And I’d probably still live with my mom
(All, echo: And he’d probably still live with his mom)

Ever since I met you, you’ve turned my world around
You’ve supported all my dreams and all my hopes
You’re like Uranium-235 and I’m Uranium-238,
Almost inseparable isotopes

I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette

If I didn’t have you, life would be dreary
I’d be string theory without any string
I’d be binary code without a one,
A cathode ray without an electron gun
I’d be ‘Firefly’, ‘Buffy,’ and ‘Avengers’ without Joss Whedon
I’d speak a lot more Klingon,
[Speaks Klingon]
All: And he’d definitely still live with his mom

Ever since I met you, you’ve turned my world around
You’re my best friend and my lover
We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields;
you can’t have one, without the other

I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette

All: Oh, we couldn’t have imagined, how good our lives would get
From the moment that we met you, Bernadette




HEART OF THE MATTER

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I’ve been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn’t keep us warm

I’ve been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

All the people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don’t love me anymore
Even if you don’t love me anymore


Overhauling My Chest

Sometimes when Life hands over something beautiful to you, he doesn’t hand it to you wholeheartedly. It might not seem obvious to you, but he’s still holding on to it. He waits for the time he could get it back. When he does, he takes a piece of you too; a huge chunk, depending on how much you cherished that which he let you have for some time. And in that huge chunk he snatched, a gaping whole may exist. In time it heals. Sometimes it heals fast. Sometimes, it seems like a diabetic wound. It heals slowly, gradually, as long as you take care of it. But if you don’t, that wound turns black and infected that it slowly kills you without you even noticing it.

Well Life, you took another huge chunk from me. You took it from the same gaping whole that I gave all my efforts to heal. So here I am again at the very beginning. It’s all too familiar. Sometimes, I can’t help but laugh at the stupidity of it all. Other times, I can’t help but loathe your cleverness. And maybe this will be one hell of a struggle. But you know what? I’m up for the fight.






Although you do not believe in God, I do. I will pray for you even if it may not matter. He has guided me all my life and I know He guides you too. Miracles don’t always make a big boom and sometimes life simply sucks. But still, miracles happen everyday even in the tiniest of ways. And, life, even with its chaos has clarity if you just give a little of your time to observe it. Stay healthy, stay happy….>

#nothing really


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